Boundaries: set them or get bitten!
”Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disapppointing others.” Brené Brown
It was a lightbulb moment when someone explained that when another person does something that annoys you or you find yourself in a situation you don’t like, it’s so often because you agreed to something you never wanted in the first place. It took me a long time to learn this. Too easily we get into a blame situation, when we can take a harder look at ourselves. Imagine this, you agree to meet a friend for coffee, when actually you don’t have time that day and they are late! It will do your head in! But why on earth did you agree to meet them that day at all? It quite possibly wasn’t even their fault they were late.
Aha!! Yes. If only we’d set boundaries for ourselves in the first place! Around how we spend our time, use our energy or our awareness towards our feelings of ‘being on time’. Why is this so difficult? Sometimes life is so busy, or we’re so bombarded with messages from the outside world we lose sight of ourselves or fear the disappointment and reactions of others.
The incredible Lucy Creamer is one of my main climbing partners. I’ve learnt so much from her in how to be clear on my own boundaries. From my observations this skill is not grade related, however the very best climbers are really good at this.
Setting boundaries works, and with short term discomfort it’s worth it and so empowering. I'm not talking about boundaries to control, but those set from the point of view of meeting our own kindest needs. When we do set boundaries, climbing experiences flow more, they are more harmonious. However, when we haven’t set a boundary, it will manifest as a disagreement with your climbing partner or even some kind of climbing epic. Less obvious signs are a general feeling of dissatisfaction with yourself or general drain of energy.
Boundaries meet our own needs and can create safety and clarity for everyone.
How is any of this relevant to climbing? Massively. How often have you agreed to go to a crag that you don’t like, or do a route, which was way out of your comfort zone, or gone along with a warm up choice that simply wasn’t for you? Or agreed to a huge, exhausting day out climbing on the Saturday, when really you wanted to rest after a week’s work and Sunday would have been way better? I’ve done all of these things, pleased others for fear of not wanting to let them down, and then got really pissed off in the process!!! Equally I’m sure I’ve let people down too in the past because my understanding of boundaries was limited and/or other people did not assert themselves either! You can imagine how half this turns out on the crag or at the climbing wall!!
Read about the day I overstepped my own boundary at Gogarth (North Wales), causing a completely unnecessary low - medium level epic.
It’s taken a lot of self reflection to understand what my needs and boundaries around climbing actually are and then at least a similar amount of time to figure out ways to assert those needs and boundaries.
Boundary setting in climbing can look like this:
Setting aside guaranteed time each week for you to climb and/or train
Always warming up the way you want to (in time taken and choices of routes/boulder problems)
Agreeing crag or wall choices that meet the needs of you AND your climbing partner
Climbing according to your own energy and not someone else’s
Taking it in turns for each partner to ‘do the warm up’ (definitely important in trad)
Not leaving the ground until everyone has done buddy checks
Asking for a bit of silence or space just before you set off up a climb (if that's what you want!)
No reading of books or newspapers while belaying (I’m not actually joking, I’ve had to agree this one)
Only climbing with equipment you are happy with
I’ve pretty much had to deal with everything on this list – all learnt the hard way – many, many mistakes have been made! The truth is this is hard. Really difficult. And can also be very difficult when new to an aspect of climbing or you’re climbing with someone of a different level or experience. But what about when you really are an experienced climber and you continually allow others to set the parameters for a climbing day or session? What does this bring up for you?
The awesome Katy Whittaker has the same ‘gear’ thing as me i.e. she likes to be really well equipped and organised. That is not saying she can’t be bold (look at her list of E8s). We both enjoyed a great day up at Cloggy luxuriating in screwgates, cams and wires. No one was there to judge ‘how much we had’. Anyway, we carried it up there!! Check out my instagram for the day I paid a large price for being under equipped due to someone else’s ‘gear standards’.
Do you feel you have overstepped your own boundaries? Even boundaries you didn’t even know you had?! Do you set boundaries consistently throughout your life, at work, with friends, family and climbing or do you slip in certain areas? Do you manage to set boundaries with some people but not others? The good thing is, if you’ve managed it in one area of your life, you can definitely do it in another.
As Christmas fast approaches, it’s easy to get caught up in other people’s situations and ways of doing things that are not aligned with our own. Setting boundaries IS the way, and it’s the perfect time to try this out. I’m really glad that my family respects that I do not deal with anything to do with Christmas until 1st December. That is my boundary so I will not even respond to group email requests mid November, and no one will hear a word from me until December.
I’d like to share a short podcast (8 mins) about setting boundaries from The Art of Listening To Your Body. Jin Ong refers specifically to setting boundaries in the run up to Christmas, often a fraught and tricky time. Jin’s work is about how your physical body is a reflection of our emotional state and anything that allows the nervous system to relax (setting boundaries is one of them) is a positive thing. This next few weeks is one enormous opportunity to practise (!) – and then transfer that learning back to climbing.
So... setting boundaries or not setting boundaries has a huge emotional load attached to it. What does all this talk of boundaries bring up for you? I’m not saying any of this is easy at all, but I am saying it’s worth it and it will positively affect your climbing. And as Brené Brown says, setting boundaries does all come down to how kind we can be with ourselves. And when we successfully set boundaries and see the benefits for our own eyes, it is one of the most empowering things we can do. Good luck!